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Pottys Mum

A woman's week at the gym!

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This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular

workout routine


Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the

local health club.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football

cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and

give it a try.


I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named

Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and

model for athletic clothing and swim wear.


Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club

encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.





Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well

worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me.

He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a

dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!


Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the

skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout

today. Very inspiring!


Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already

aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be

a FANTASTIC week!!





I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo

made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put

weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made

the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!

It's a whole new life for me.





The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the

counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a

hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer

or stop. I parked on top of a Fiat Uno in the club parking lot.


Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other

club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning

and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair

monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity

rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in

shape and enjoy life. He said some other s**t too.





A**hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,

cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half

an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.


He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and

hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny b***h to find me. Then, as

punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.





I hate that b*****d Christo more than any human being has ever hated any

other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,

anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could

move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.


Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if

you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the d*** barbells or

anything that weighs more than a sandwich.


The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir






Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice

wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want

to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to

even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the

Weather Channel.





I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and

thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my

husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a

hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have

sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!


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