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Pottys Mum

A woman's week at the gym!

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A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

 

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular

workout routine

 

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the

local health club.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football

cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and

give it a try.

 

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named

Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and

model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

 

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club

encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

 

 

________________________________

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well

worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me.

He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a

dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

 

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the

skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout

today. Very inspiring!

 

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already

aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be

a FANTASTIC week!!

 

 

________________________________

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo

made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put

weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made

the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!

It's a whole new life for me.

 

 

_______________________________

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the

counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a

hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer

or stop. I parked on top of a Fiat Uno in the club parking lot.

 

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other

club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning

and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair

monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity

rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in

shape and enjoy life. He said some other s**t too.

 

 

_______________________________

THURSDAY:

A**hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,

cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half

an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.

 

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and

hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny b***h to find me. Then, as

punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.

 

 

_________________________________

FRIDAY:

I hate that b*****d Christo more than any human being has ever hated any

other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,

anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could

move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

 

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if

you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the d*** barbells or

anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

 

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir

director?

 

 

________________________________

SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice

wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want

to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to

even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the

Weather Channel.

 

 

________________________________

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and

thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my

husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a

hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have

sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

 

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