Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Pottys Mum

Tommy Cooper - what a talent ;-)

Recommended Posts

More Tommy Cooper style jokes:


1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at

least one of them would have seen it.


2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to

buy marijuana, press the hash key...'


3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm

for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'


4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I

couldn't find any.


5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid

that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the

steaks are too high.'


6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant

pulled him in.


7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He

shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied,

'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.


8. I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a muscle.


9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the

craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have

your kayak and heat it.


10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van

covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped



11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of

his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'


12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of home

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual....'


13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed,

is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him.'

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his

teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'

'No, because he's really heavy.'


14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricke ball stuck up

my bottom.'

'How's that?'

'Don't you start.'


15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!


16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

'Can you give me a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'


18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.

There are 5 people in my family, so one of them must be Chinese.... .

it's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger

brother Ho-Cha-Chu. ... but I think it's Colin.


19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'

The other one says 'So are you, fatty!'


20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,

and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.


21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen.

It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'


22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several

places.' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'


23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small

two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and

expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this